That Bubble of Ego

Filed in: blog

Sometimes I wonder what drives us to make certain choices. Obviously, priorties have a lot to do with it, but how do we assign those priorities? What drives us.

As a mom, I’ve put Rachel at the top of my list. Almost all I do these days is oriented around what I think will be best for her. Submerging my own ego in order to do that has been one of the hardest struggles of my life, because her needs stand so diametrically opposed to my own desires and dreams.

Yet the ego is a strong force, one of the most powerful drives in all of life. Ever so often, it bubbles out and over, like lava that has been so tightly sealed beneath the crust. The result is a searing frustration with life in general, and it feeds a restlessness that can be almost strangling. If I’m not careful, it will push me into one of the darker places in my soul.

Fighting it, shoving the lava back beneath the surface, is never easy. And it clouds even the tiniest decision: Am I doing “this” because I want it or because it’s right for Rachel? The answer isn’t usually as clear as I’d like.

I guess this is where that trust in God comes in. Prayer, meditation, pleading. Lots of pleading, for guidance, for direction, for CLARITY. Now if I can just remember to listen.

1 Comment