Seeking Different Answers

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Ah, those words that come back to haunt you…

Many years ago, I learned a valuable lesson from friend Marilee. One night, when I was going through one of my darkest depressions and bewailing God’s silent response to my prayers, she asked me simply, “Are you sure you’re praying for the right thing?”

Hm. That had just not occurred to me. After all, I wanted what was best for Rachel and me, right? Don’t I know best?

Uh-huh. Talk about a cold slap of reality. HIS will, remember? We’re to pray for HIS will. I changed my prayers, and I was astonished by the results. I cherished her for that. Still do. Even wrote about her in the Secrets of Confidence book.

So…now God has been silent for awhile on something I’ve been struggling with, which–if you’ve been a steady reader here–you’ve probably seen before.

Do I stay in CBA or pitch my work to the secular market?

Human advice has been fruitless. Mostly they start with “Well, what do YOU want to do?” I DON’T KNOW–that’s the problem. I want to do both–and know I can’t because of the restrictions of the marketplace. I have to focus, and I’d hoped the trip to the mountains would help.

And it did, somewhat. Being with other Christian writers helped focus my own desires, as did McNair Wilson’s keynotes. One of the things I did realize is that my “frozen” sense is rooted in pure, unadulterated fear. Because what I want to do doesn’t “fit” anywhere, I’m marbled through with the realization that if I follow my heart, it’ll never sell.

Let’s add to the struggle evidence that if I follow the guidelines like a good girl, I’ll continue to sell.

Brrr….and here I sit, not selling ANYthing. And I hear my own words (and Marilee’s) coming back ’round and ’round: Pray for His will and follow your heart.

A scary prospect on both fronts, y’know?

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