In the Cave with the God Questions

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Haven’t been around because I’m caving. Not sure why. Although maybe I do, a little.

For those who haven’t heard it described with that term, “caving” means withdrawing into your mental/emotional “cave,” a time of hibernating from what’s going on around you. It can be a physical action, like staying home and not going out, or emotional, as when you simply make it through the day without being mentally involved. That latter is pretty much where I am right now. Dissociated.

Part of my withdrawal is because I’m spiritually exhausted, and I think my psyche has shifted into self-protection mode. I’ve screwed up a couple of jobs, which has cost me time, money, and energy. I’ve beat myself up, repeatedly, over these issues, and I’m trying to deconstruct what went wrong. I’m distracted, lack focus, and I don’t see simple mistakes I make until later. And people keep hitting me with “God questions” like, “why do I suffer so much?” and “why isn’t He answering my prayers?” in a way that I find frustrating. My lack of patience is my issue, not theirs, but I knew I’d lost it when I told one woman that if her faith depended on God doing what she wanted Him to, then maybe she should be an atheist.

Yow.

One of my daily devotionals advised me to “take to the sun and seek replenishment in nature.” This isn’t a bad idea. I’ve been indoors too much lately, and maybe that’s taking a toll as well. I don’t know. I do know that being in the woods for prayer has always been a mini-refresher course for me, so maybe I should. The weekend is coming, and I’m kidless. Perhaps a long walk in the woods and sun would be a good thing.

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