A Risky Consideration

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One of my favorite sayings reminds me of a number of essential things in my life: Faith, trust in God, the brevity of life.

“Sometimes, when God is trying to nudge you off a ledge, it’s because He knows you can fly.”

I’ve stood on a lot of ledges in my life, both as a writer and as a woman. When it was God, I did some serious soaring, rising quite high on His thermal winds. Sometimes, however, it wasn’t God who was doing the nudging, so I’ve definitely had a few metaphorical bloody noses. The squishing sound of failure is never pleasant. Thus, I’ve often prayed for the gift of discernment as well as wisdom. Sometimes this works, and I can tell right away whether that thumbprint on my shoulder blade is God’s. Other times, it’s a lot harder….like now.

I have felt this drive to buy a house for more than a year. It’s almost like an obsession. I can’t stay away from open houses, realtor.com, and I can spot a for sale sign a mile away. Until August, it was a useless idea, because I didn’t have the credit power or money to swing it. Now, it’s like a burn.

Unfortunately, this is an urge that’s also laced with a great deal of fear. I get close to a home I like and is working for Rachel, and I freak out. The shakes, nightmares, a streak of fear in my gut that’s like a raw wound. And I flee into the woodwork, terrified of the prospect. Two days later, my nose is back in the classifieds.

Hi, I’m Ramona, and I have a house-hunting addiction.

Two of my friends have threatened intervention, and a third has suggested I need therapy.

Obviously, part of the fear comes from the cross between financial considerations and my daughter’s health. I’d need to stay in a house for at least three years to build up any appreciation for resale. But what if Rachel dies before then? Will I want to stay in a house where she dies? Her health is relatively stable and has been for some time. If I buy a house, am I gambling on her to live?

No wonder people think I need therapy. But the drive to buy has become almost overwhelming, even though I still don’t know whether it’s an urge from God or that other guy…or just my own willful spirit who is feeling trapped and smothered by the apartment. Either way, the topic of conversation with my friends has recently shifted from my insanity to the nature of risk.

Risk. TS Eliot said, “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” Then there’s my favorite Ray Bradbury version: “Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.” Then there’s the one from Joyce Brothers that really made me look twice: “I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk.”

I know I can take the worst. That’s what trusting God is all about.

Or as Arthur Koestler said: “If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out.”

Today, I have appointments to see two houses.

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